Bittersweet

Yesterday morning, Lee graduated from Pre-school.  He was so excited.  He even showed his Daddy one of his songs (with the cutest actions) prior to us leaving.

During the ceremony Lee was beyond cute.  He smiled and followed every instruction to the letter.  Obviously his teachers had put a lot of love and care into this special event.  Scott and I were so proud of him.

As I mentioned in my last post, I knew that it was going to be a very bittersweet day.  In the beginning it a HUGE deal for me to send Lee to Pre-school.  I seriously had such severe panic attacks about it that I had to be medicated and entered into counselling.  I remember one day, I had the application in my hand and I stood in our kitchen and literally cried until I couldn't breath.  To think that 9 months later, Lee would be graduating and I would be so pleased that I had decided to send him.

However, the happiness I felt was very overshadowed by my thoughts of my Dad.  Throughout most of the ceremony I cried for my Dad.  I knew that he was watching from Heaven, but it is very different not being able to call him and hear the joy in his voice.  I miss him for myself and I miss him for the boys.

This is just the beginning of many many life events that Dad will miss.  How I will miss talking (I mean really talking) to him about Lee (and than Owen's) first day of Kindergarten, first girlfriend, University Grad., wedding, children etc.  The list is endless.....  I love you Dad

Ok, he looks very serious in most of these pictures.  Trust me there were lots of smiles.

Life Events

Our son will graduate from Pre-School this Friday June 8th.  For many of you this may seem insignificant or silly that I am blogging about this, but for me this is going to be a very tough day. Why?  Not only is our little man growing up, but this will be the first of many life events that my Dad won't be here.

In the past my parents were unable to attend many events due to living in Ontario, however I could call them afterwards, send pictures and describe how cute the boys were.  Obviously, I can still do this with my Mom, yet it will be different.  My Dad won't be part of it.

My Dad always loved hearing about the boys and their accomplishments.  He would ask so many questions and talk about their bright futures.  He could not wait to see pictures and loved to talk to them on the phone.  He loved them so much.

I know in my heart that I can still talk to him, but it is not the same.  I am not able to hear him speak to me.  He can't ask questions.  I won't be able to see or hear the smile on his face when he talks to them.  He was supposed to be here for all of this.  I am so lost without him.  Life will never be the same.

Last night, I took his picture off my dresser and placed on my bedside table.  I just needed him closer to me.  I would do anything to feel his arms around me again.  I just hope that in some small way, Lee and Owen will remember him too.

Scattered

For someone who usually claims to be pretty organized, I am feeling like I can't remember anything.  Take tomorrow for instance.  It is Beach Day at Lee's pre school.  Normally I would have remembered and would have been prepping Lee for how much fun it is going to be.  Not this time.  Had it not been for a verbal reminder and a handout with directions on it when I dropped him off on Wednesday I would have been clueless.  Yet, there it was on my calendar and on my phone right where my old organized self had put it.

This has all come about with my Dad's death.  I can't seem to get excited anymore.  I can't seem to see a future with out him.  I can only concentrate on what I am doing in the moment (and even that can be hard) and not prepare for the future.  I know that this is all part of my grief process, but I feel like a million tiny shards of glass broken on the floor.  I want to be able to put myself together, but I don't know how.

The Calendar.

Our oldest son Lee has a calendar in our kitchen with magnetic numbers and months.  At first we changed the date on a regular basis, than slowly we began to forget to do it unless he asked us to help him.

Apparently, the day my Dad passed away Lee had asked his Daddy to help him change the date.  I didn't notice this until after returning from Ontario. I was placing Lee's back pack on the closet door knob (the door on which the calendar hangs) and I saw it.  I just about dropped the bag on the floor.  It was almost as if the date was frozen in time.

It took me until Tuesday (May 15th) night to change it.  I just couldn't bring myself to "turn" past that date.  Part of me thought that as long as it was there, maybe, just maybe, this could all be a bad dream.  It was only after going for a long walk and having a good cry that I realized that I had to face reality.  My Dad is gone.

Grief.....

It's all consuming.

April 28th of this year, my life changed forever.  My Dad passed away.  I was getting a massage with my RMT and my cell phone began to buzz.  I ignored it the first time, yet when it continued my RMT asked me if I should get it.  It was my sisters name and number.  My first thought was that it was strange as she never calls my cell.  I answered the phone only to hear a sentence that I will never forget as long as I live, my Mom saying "Oh honey, your Dad died today." I screamed, I cried and felt that a piece of me was gone.

My husband got me on the next flight to Ontario.  It was the worst flight that I have ever been on.  I wanted to get there now, but time seemed to stand still.  During the flight, I kept thinking of all the things that I wanted to tell my Dad and the questions he would have had about my flight.  It was heartbreaking to know that I would never be able to tell him all of this.

The visitation and funeral were beautiful.  It was over whelming to see how many people loved my Dad and our family.  I cried more than I think I have ever cried in my life and I hurt more than I have ever hurt.  It is so unfair that he is gone.  He was supposed to be here his 5 grandchildren's life events.  He was supposed to grow old with my Mom.  He wasn't supposed to die of a massive heart attack at 68.  But he did.

It has been just over 2 weeks, and the hole in my heart has not gone away.  I cry all of the time and most of the time walk around feeling numb.  I find myself tired and want to sleep only to wake up to find this a terrible dream - except it's not.

Grief, it's all consuming and it is consuming my every day.  I want to scream and but am afraid I won't be able to stop.  I miss you Dad.

6 lbs lighter

I must admit that I haven't thought of this blog in months.  I am not great at getting on the computer other than to check Facebook.  My e-mails are generally checked on my phone.  Anyways, the other day I was pleasantly surprised that a complete stranger had replied to a post of mine - thanks again Terri.

So, as a promise to her, here is a new post.

A few months ago, I was feeling down about my body - AGAIN.  As I was checking Facebook, I came across a picture of a friend of mine in a bikini while on vacation.  She looked stunning.  Beautiful girl with a beautify body.  As I was thinking about this friend, I received a message from another friend of mine wondering how I was doing.  I quickly asked her to call me as I needed to talk with her about her diet and exercise life style.  This is something that we had briefly discussed before but I was in no way ready to commit to the 30 day cleanse that she used.  We spoke for about 1/2 an hour and after hearing her tell me all of the positives was experiencing I asked her to sign me up.

Fast forward today.  I have lost several inches and am down close to 6 lbs.  I feel FANTASTIC!  My energy level is much better and my hair and nails are stronger.  My skin glows.  It is amazing how a simple lifestyle change can make you feel like a million dollars.  

Now, I do need to reiterate that I have never been a large person, but instead have been trying to lose that extra pregnancy weight.  My biggest goal was to tone up my tummy.  Now that I have lost that extra bit of pudge, I am well on my way.  Nor was I ever an unhealthy eater.  I think I just needed that extra boost to get me going.

I hope that I can maintain this happiness and my new confidence.