Grief.....

It's all consuming.

April 28th of this year, my life changed forever.  My Dad passed away.  I was getting a massage with my RMT and my cell phone began to buzz.  I ignored it the first time, yet when it continued my RMT asked me if I should get it.  It was my sisters name and number.  My first thought was that it was strange as she never calls my cell.  I answered the phone only to hear a sentence that I will never forget as long as I live, my Mom saying "Oh honey, your Dad died today." I screamed, I cried and felt that a piece of me was gone.

My husband got me on the next flight to Ontario.  It was the worst flight that I have ever been on.  I wanted to get there now, but time seemed to stand still.  During the flight, I kept thinking of all the things that I wanted to tell my Dad and the questions he would have had about my flight.  It was heartbreaking to know that I would never be able to tell him all of this.

The visitation and funeral were beautiful.  It was over whelming to see how many people loved my Dad and our family.  I cried more than I think I have ever cried in my life and I hurt more than I have ever hurt.  It is so unfair that he is gone.  He was supposed to be here his 5 grandchildren's life events.  He was supposed to grow old with my Mom.  He wasn't supposed to die of a massive heart attack at 68.  But he did.

It has been just over 2 weeks, and the hole in my heart has not gone away.  I cry all of the time and most of the time walk around feeling numb.  I find myself tired and want to sleep only to wake up to find this a terrible dream - except it's not.

Grief, it's all consuming and it is consuming my every day.  I want to scream and but am afraid I won't be able to stop.  I miss you Dad.