For someone who usually claims to be pretty organized, I am feeling like I can't remember anything. Take tomorrow for instance. It is Beach Day at Lee's pre school. Normally I would have remembered and would have been prepping Lee for how much fun it is going to be. Not this time. Had it not been for a verbal reminder and a handout with directions on it when I dropped him off on Wednesday I would have been clueless. Yet, there it was on my calendar and on my phone right where my old organized self had put it.
This has all come about with my Dad's death. I can't seem to get excited anymore. I can't seem to see a future with out him. I can only concentrate on what I am doing in the moment (and even that can be hard) and not prepare for the future. I know that this is all part of my grief process, but I feel like a million tiny shards of glass broken on the floor. I want to be able to put myself together, but I don't know how.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Thursday, 17 May 2012
The Calendar.
Our oldest son Lee has a calendar in our kitchen with magnetic numbers and months. At first we changed the date on a regular basis, than slowly we began to forget to do it unless he asked us to help him.
Apparently, the day my Dad passed away Lee had asked his Daddy to help him change the date. I didn't notice this until after returning from Ontario. I was placing Lee's back pack on the closet door knob (the door on which the calendar hangs) and I saw it. I just about dropped the bag on the floor. It was almost as if the date was frozen in time.
It took me until Tuesday (May 15th) night to change it. I just couldn't bring myself to "turn" past that date. Part of me thought that as long as it was there, maybe, just maybe, this could all be a bad dream. It was only after going for a long walk and having a good cry that I realized that I had to face reality. My Dad is gone.
Apparently, the day my Dad passed away Lee had asked his Daddy to help him change the date. I didn't notice this until after returning from Ontario. I was placing Lee's back pack on the closet door knob (the door on which the calendar hangs) and I saw it. I just about dropped the bag on the floor. It was almost as if the date was frozen in time.
It took me until Tuesday (May 15th) night to change it. I just couldn't bring myself to "turn" past that date. Part of me thought that as long as it was there, maybe, just maybe, this could all be a bad dream. It was only after going for a long walk and having a good cry that I realized that I had to face reality. My Dad is gone.
Monday, 14 May 2012
Grief.....
It's all consuming.
April 28th of this year, my life changed forever. My Dad passed away. I was getting a massage with my RMT and my cell phone began to buzz. I ignored it the first time, yet when it continued my RMT asked me if I should get it. It was my sisters name and number. My first thought was that it was strange as she never calls my cell. I answered the phone only to hear a sentence that I will never forget as long as I live, my Mom saying "Oh honey, your Dad died today." I screamed, I cried and felt that a piece of me was gone.
My husband got me on the next flight to Ontario. It was the worst flight that I have ever been on. I wanted to get there now, but time seemed to stand still. During the flight, I kept thinking of all the things that I wanted to tell my Dad and the questions he would have had about my flight. It was heartbreaking to know that I would never be able to tell him all of this.
The visitation and funeral were beautiful. It was over whelming to see how many people loved my Dad and our family. I cried more than I think I have ever cried in my life and I hurt more than I have ever hurt. It is so unfair that he is gone. He was supposed to be here his 5 grandchildren's life events. He was supposed to grow old with my Mom. He wasn't supposed to die of a massive heart attack at 68. But he did.
It has been just over 2 weeks, and the hole in my heart has not gone away. I cry all of the time and most of the time walk around feeling numb. I find myself tired and want to sleep only to wake up to find this a terrible dream - except it's not.
Grief, it's all consuming and it is consuming my every day. I want to scream and but am afraid I won't be able to stop. I miss you Dad.
April 28th of this year, my life changed forever. My Dad passed away. I was getting a massage with my RMT and my cell phone began to buzz. I ignored it the first time, yet when it continued my RMT asked me if I should get it. It was my sisters name and number. My first thought was that it was strange as she never calls my cell. I answered the phone only to hear a sentence that I will never forget as long as I live, my Mom saying "Oh honey, your Dad died today." I screamed, I cried and felt that a piece of me was gone.
My husband got me on the next flight to Ontario. It was the worst flight that I have ever been on. I wanted to get there now, but time seemed to stand still. During the flight, I kept thinking of all the things that I wanted to tell my Dad and the questions he would have had about my flight. It was heartbreaking to know that I would never be able to tell him all of this.
The visitation and funeral were beautiful. It was over whelming to see how many people loved my Dad and our family. I cried more than I think I have ever cried in my life and I hurt more than I have ever hurt. It is so unfair that he is gone. He was supposed to be here his 5 grandchildren's life events. He was supposed to grow old with my Mom. He wasn't supposed to die of a massive heart attack at 68. But he did.
It has been just over 2 weeks, and the hole in my heart has not gone away. I cry all of the time and most of the time walk around feeling numb. I find myself tired and want to sleep only to wake up to find this a terrible dream - except it's not.
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